i don't like sucking hair
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
