I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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