I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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