me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
