Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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