I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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