his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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