I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
