I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
