booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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