its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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