he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
