Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
