Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
