so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
