So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
