This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
