If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
