Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
