Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You're like the curious george of whores
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
