Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
