OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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