This dress was meant to end up on your floor
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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