I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
