I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
