he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
