He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
