hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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