ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
