well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
