You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
