This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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