I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
