apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
