I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
