i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Sober January is a disaster.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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