Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I still have a little drunk in my system
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize