I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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