I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
