I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
