my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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