Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
