I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
