Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
