New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
