my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
