I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
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