My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
