Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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