so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
