so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
