I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
