My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
