Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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