I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
